milestone or rolling stone

Today – this day twelve months ago, I awoke from a marathon 5 surgeries.  



Surgeries that were a necessary event to get through to the other side.  



The other side of what?



Overwhelm, overstress, overdone, and out of touch.  



This operation was the portal to my new life.  My life of living dangerously, of taking risks, of burning bridges, of letting go.  



In the hours before going into theatre, I practised every calming technique I could muster, alternate nostril breathing, colour chakra meditations, positive affirmations – but none of these could quell the fear – the fear I was going to die.



Drastic and dramatic – I know!



I didn’t let anyone in on my fears. I kissed my children in their sleep, said goodbye to my folks quickly and quietly and hugged my husband as he left me at the hospital. I thought it would be the last I may see him but couldn’t express that to him.  Left on my own, I felt so scared I was compelled into action.  I got out my notebook and wrote a heartfelt and long letter to each of my boys. The tears poured down my face as I put my feelings, hopes and desire for them into tangible marks on tangible paper.

As I lay in the “holding area” – (what a terrible name) – my fear became so big I couldn’t stop the shivering, shaking and crying.  My surgeon approached me with caution – and assured me all would be fine. As the nurse gave me something to calm my nerves, I thought to myself – why is this fear so out of control? Why is this so out of proportion to the actual operation –



this was not the life squeezing/stop you in your tracks surgery that I had been through only 9 months previous.  



This was routine and maintenance – not “oh shit we’ve discovered something is not right”.  



And then the oblivion of anaesthesia – no more to be thought – no more to be felt.

So unless I am writing this from the grave…you may have guessed I didn’t lose my life that day.  



Or did I?



As it turns out some pretty big parts of my life did die.  



My sense of overwhelm, my sense of obligation to so much that wasn’t really important to me – and an incredible amount of noise, of filling/stuffing and busyness that kept me from connecting with my true self.  It was as though the surgeon had removed many growths and tumours from around my soul and it was finally able to flourish.  



And that overwhelming incredible fear before hand – that was my ego in her last ditch effort to maintain control – she knew she was about to be dethroned and she wanted me to run – as far as possible from this new life – she wanted the comfort of the way it had always been.

So why then on this day, 12 months later, am I overcome with sadness and a sense of despair?  



A flatness that feels as though any of the clear open space in my heart and even my head has been crammed with cotton wool.  



Instead of looking back and celebrating my year of living dangerously and marking today as a milestone, or looking forward to my dreams and the opportunities that lay ahead, or even grateful in my present state for my life and love, I am teary and numb, unmotivated and melancholy.

I have an inkling,  a little glimmer, somewhere deep deep inside my soul is whispering.



My ego is mourning again – but this time instead of screaming in fear and making me shake in my boots (or thongs), she is just smothering me in sadness.

Like a giant drop bear – she has fallen on me from a great height, silently and unexpected – with a dead weight and thick fluffy fur, she has pinned me to the floor, and if I let her, she will stop me from moving forward.  



So today I am lying underneath my drop bear ego and regrouping my soul – doing my own metaphorical surgery – letting things go  – gently and consistently – and tonight I will dance off the weight  – and release more and more – and maybe tomorrow or the next, I will wake up on the other side and start rolling towards the next milestone.

And what of colour?  



What richness can I use to guide me through this despair?  



Gold to help with the Fear.



Magenta to help me to Release.



And Green to build Faith in Myself (via my Heart Chakra)