Not too long ago, I felt like I had little if any control over my life.
I had begun to view life as C.O.M.P.L.I.C.A.T.E.D. and beyond my control.
And I resented it.
My first conscious thought of every day was always one of resentment – filled with a list of things I wanted to do but couldn’t. Negative Nelly was alive and kicking – and upon closer inspection, she looked an awful lot like a surly teenager who was sick and tired of doing what was “expected” and “towing the line’ all of the time.
I loved my boys and I used to love my job (pre-kids), but the truth was I knew how to do my job properly – and I thought I kinda sucked as a mum. So I threw myself into my job and watched as my kids became a little less happy and a little more confused as to why Mum was cranky ALL THE TIME. I thought I could get a sense of satisfaction and self worth from my work/clients/colleagues/boss.
And even though I knew I was misdirecting my energy, I kept going. I took to working overtime at nights on the weekend so as not to disrupt our home life. (crazy I know – but at the time it seemed like the perfect solution).
And as a result of this misdirected energy – I just got sick.
My body sent me some pretty big signals – and I chose to ignore them.
I became incredibly tired. I thought I just needed a break – but I couldn’t conceive the idea of taking time off just for me – I wouldn’t be earning any money, and we always saved our time off to go away as a family (too exhausting to consider!) So I came up with an idea.
My doctor had advised me, a few years ago, to have a benign lump removed from my thyroid when life had “settled down” after having kids. Here was a brilliant excuse to have some time off to myself – albeit in a hospital – and no one could question me – I had permission from a doctor!
What happened next should have changed my life – in an instant. A 3 day stay in hospital turned into a cancer diagnosis followed by another operation to remove the remainder of my thyroid and radiation therapy.
Old habits die hard though. After a few weeks off, I threw myself back into my work.
But something had already shifted.
Everyday as I arrived in the office, a little voice inside my head screamed at me
“YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE”!
I tried to convince myself that things would be different and that I could regain some balance. I thought that everyone would cut me some slack because I had cancer.
But everyone could see quite clearly that I was not prepared to cut myself some slack – so it was business as usual. Subconsciously I was showing others how to treat me. I didn’t place any value on my own health – mentally or physically – so why would anyone else?
It wasn’t really a light bulb moment for me – but something was definitely changing.
I started to unravel things in my mind and my heart through counselling, and an awesome online program about putting my self first.
I began to explore things that could make me happy and bring me joy , but I still felt like I was not in the driver’s seat of my life.
It would take just an ordinary day – seemingly like all the others – and an injection of colour to really make a shift that could not be ignored.
