Attachment and Release

Image by r.nial bradshaw on flickr used with creative commons license

More and more I am finding myself in purge mode – I am decluttering physically and mentally – and boy is it a bumpy ride full of some interesting – hard learnt lessons.

But perhaps one of the most amazing outcomes so far for me – is that I am learning how clever, loving and strong my body is. This magnificent being is working so hard to help me let go of things – for good. And she has definitely learnt that given the chance my ego will pipe up and say –



“It’s easy for me to let go of (insert sugar/alcohol/gluten/shopping etc) – I don’t need to work at it I’ll just give it up.”



And then in the next breath of course that same ego (slightly different voice) pipes up again and says



“But just this one piece of bread/glass of wine/piece of cake/pair of jeans on sale won’t matter I can still give up those things when it matters.” 

And so the barrage of comments continues.  And when my body shows signs of how these things are harming and limiting both my physical being and my soul – the ego amps up the tirade (enter the teenage version of my ego)



“who are you/they etc to tell me what I can and can’t eat/drink/buy! I’m a grown up and I can do whatever I want!”

In her magnificent strong and loving way my body has developed a strategy to deal with this ego.

She stops me in my tracks and floors me totally on a physical level so that I am to be still and quiet and recuperate – at which point I am given contemplation time.  It is during this time that I am setting aside my ego’s commentary and really getting the heart of the matter –

Why am I attached to these things?

What beliefs do I have surrounding these attachments?

And are they even valid anymore?

And as I sit here the 3rd day into a hangover which has morphed into a head cold, I am really getting to the heart of my attachment to alcohol. I spent a good 10 years of my life between my late teens and late 20s really embracing alcohol, the party scene and the ensuing hangovers. By the time I had reached my mid thirties and was trying to fall pregnant, I had certainly toned down my habits and began concentrating on improving my fertility. But alcohol was still a part of life – it represented freedom, reward and at times even an entitlement.

I had no trouble giving it up completely during both my pregnancies – but I embraced it and all it represented again after I had given up breast-feeding and I even thought longingly about it at times during.

As a new mother, I felt life had completely and forever changed. Mostly for the good but at times a sense of loss of freedom became quite overwhelming.  Alcohol for me represented a time when I was me as who I am, not me as a mother responsible for 2 small beings. There was never an opportunity to drink more than a glass or two – but it reminded me that I was still me – that independent woman who could forge her own path.

Fast forward a few years and my kids are getting a little older and have started school.  And the funny thing is that there is now a group consensus that as mothers, we deserve to have a night out – as a treat for ourselves and for all that we do.

And of course this is true. But if alcohol is no longer a reward  – if at the very core of it, alcohol is no longer serving my body and actually doing it harm (even after one glass) – why the attachment?

So my wise glorious body has given me the mother of all hangovers. For the past year she has been sending me messages – that instant headache after a glass of wine with dinner, the stomach churn at 2am after a celebratory glass of champas the night before. And I had said (to many people) –” I  think I need to give up alcohol.” So she sent me a loud message – A Mother’s day night out that saw me drink less than one tenth of what I used to consume has floored me. My whole body is aching and I have a headache behind my eyes that is not going anywhere. My immunity system has taken a nose dive and I am in the grips of a raging head cold.

This enforced “downtime” helped me see this pattern.  My body showing me how my attachment to things is stopping me from being my true self.

I have “toyed” with giving up gluten and sugar on and off for a good ten years now – and last year my body lovingly sent me a trip to emergency and 5 hours of excruciating pain in the form of a kidney stone.  And when I gave up those things for a while and then fell off the wagon so to speak – she sent me another one.

When I stopped listening to my own voice and flattened any dreams I may of had, she sent me a big tumour in my thyroid – and when I went back to work too soon afterwards, she sent me a bout of Influenza A and a sinus infection a week later!

So today in my below par state, I am giving thanks for this body of mine. She keeps coming at me with messages and knocking me down to give me a chance to really examine the situation and get to the heart of the matter.  She is giving me a chance  – a chance to really let go of things – instead of listening to the ego who is telling me that it’s already gone.