Here I am – round again
Where have I been?
Nowhere and everywhere.
What have I been doing?
Nothing and everything.
It’s been almost 18 months since I wrote a blog post – and on reflection possibly a few years or more since I wrote about something other than feeling a little lost and “in-between”.
So ever so patiently (and not ever so at times) I have been sitting in this limbo – riding out the storm or the desolation – and asking the universe to
send me the damn lesson already so I can learn from it and move on
If you take a moment out from reading – and get very still, you can hear the sweet universes and her gentle chuckle as she listens to my plea.
Not a nasty little snigger – but a gentle little laugh as she lets me know –
it’s all unfolding as it should
Needless to say a large portion of my time – when I am trapped in this limbo – her assurance does not land in my heart – it bounces directly off my toughening and thickening shell. Sometimes though, mostly as I wake and have yet to patch up any cracks in my shell –
she finds the soft spot … and it lands
So the purpose of this post is not to dwell in the finer details of my low –
to nut out the “whys” or “wheres’ or “hows”
But to stand up and show up
– in a place where I have already done so much growing, so much sharing and so much connecting.
This online space – was my ladder out of a deep deep pit that I had dug for myself, over 42 years of life.
And in the 4 years that I reached ground level to see the light – my own light – I have let go of so much encumbering uselessness – that it is no wonder that my world feels
a little desolate, a lot shaky and pretty damn scary sometimes
I have purposefully stayed away from social media interaction, and then slowly, but surely and unintentionally from other social interaction. All as a form of protection – to knuckle down and just get through the tough times….
wait there’s that gentle chuckle again….
And as I direct my life to this desolate existence, my life reflects back at me tenfold – to build up a ginormous wall –
one that I am now desperate to get around or through or over or under
There is such a strong repetition of blocks on my path – of things really big and difficult to navigate – but things essentially of little importance and totally irrelevant.
This recurring theme was first put to me in guided meditation way back in early 2014 as the beautiful soul guiding the evening relayed personalised messages for each of us…and mine…
“Those things you worry about, those things you think you must fix, or sort through – they are not important to your path, but they are blocking your path”.
In retrospect I think of all of my possessions, packed up over two years ago – some essential items – those things that matter the most to me –
things that bring me joy and ease
And all the other things – nonessentials – and although culled severely prior to packing – still numerous and overwhelming.
To live with only those essentials – the joy and ease pile – a wonderful sense of pared back living, for 12 months or so.
At least that was the plan and as plans went awry and the outcome we were holding onto literally became undone before our very eyes – in a twist I was left only with access to those non- essentials –
all my joy and ease was boxed up –
deep in storage
blocked by many many boxes of non-essentials and overwhelm.
The metaphor is not lost on me!
I have dwelt in the world of displacement for what feels like such a long time now…I sometimes lose sight of what having a home – my own home will actually feel like. And when I lose that vision, the world takes on a grey tone and I watch as some of the colour drains from my life.
As a high functioning depressed person, my close friends and family can’t always see when I am in this state. However, I have learnt over the past few years some of the warning signs and the fallout – and I get myself off to some professional help before it spirals somewhere I don’t wish to ever visit.
The one thing though – that single handedly brings me back to the surface and towards the light is my creativity. Whether it is by crafting a crystal creation, or simply painting myself a message – this fills me up. So while I have been physically displaced these past 18 months, I have been finding a haven within.
Fear has been setting up a stronghold around me for all my life – especially since I have become more acquainted with who I am over the past few years.
Yet my creativity truly allows me to rise above, touch the light outside the walls of fear and breathe the sweet air of hope.
And as I feed my creative needs, I discover that sharing my creative approach with others fulfils my soul’s purpose and is another link with the world not dictated by fear. The fear is always there – but the stronghold disintegrates and it moves out of focus when looking at the bigger picture.
So here I am adding another piece to the puzzle – sharing my way in all it’s shambolic glory with you – rising above the fear – doing life – moving forward – shining my light.
